Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Fear of Abandonment But The Will To Heal

Abandonment issues stem from an innate fear of a significant person in one’s life leaving either physically or emotionally. This fear is often developed early in life and can be triggered much later when they begin to experience and deal more with the task of emotional relationships. This fear can wreak havoc on the person that carries it, not only making it difficult but sometimes impossible for them to truly ever trust anyone. It also creates irrational behavior in a person such as the want or need to constantly test or be reassured that the other person in their life will not leave or take their affection away. In many ways, abandonment issues freezes part of ones psyche into a child-like, vulnerable state where the person can develop hyper-sensitivity, thus resulting in the reaction of a coping mechanism. These coping mechanisms are sometimes so embedded in the person that they can become too accustomed to coping. When this occurs the person can becomes too comfortable with coping they will not understand the need for healing. This stagnation which originated as a means of survival can become detrimental to the one who harbors it, stunting their mental, material, emotional and spiritual evolution as a being. I like to call these emotional blockages. We as beings are in essence energy and that energy will express itself in many different ways through us, but when a traumatic experience occurs we now deal with blockages stopping our energy from flowing. This is where we find ourselves facing things like stagnation, inability to grow, change or accomplish many of the goals we might set for ourselves. In these ways blockages hinder us from realizing our full potential as human beings. So we must now come to a point where we recognize this stagnation as a problem; the only way we will ever be able to do that is by self-analysis. When we become still, we can recognize our behavioral patterns in life. How we react to situations tells us about our subconscious mind and our subconscious mind is where we store all the memories and experiences that we thought we forgot or sometimes try to forget. But just because something is not in the forefront of your mind doesn't mean that you no longer carry it with you.You must address the root causes of problems in order to encourage healing, growth, and change.

If you suspect that you or someone who is close to you may be harboring abandonment issues, these are some of the symptoms to look for:

Clinging, which is when the person who suffers from abandonment issues will hold onto and attach themselves to the other person in the relationship often times invading the other person's personal or mental space. It is natural to enjoy and want to be around someone you love but when you begin to become invasive of that individuals personal space or time you can very easily begin to push that person away with the same behavior intended to keep them close.

Another symptom of an abandonment issue is dreading. This can be triggered by seemingly small situations like the significant other not returning a phone call or text message. The sufferer of abandonment will begin to have an exaggerated negative response to the situation, including but not limited to: crying fits, inaccurate accusations, inconsolable anger and a host of other exaggerated responses. These can also drive the other further away.
Threatening self-harm is another indicator that one might be dealing with a fear of being abandoned. When the sufferer feels as if they might be losing or about to lose the person they have become attached to, they resort to emotional blackmail, hoping to manipulate the person into staying with them. They might to this by saying "I will kill myself if you go." This might even work the first or second time it is used, but eventually the person is going to call the others’ bluff or be so turned off by that mindset that they will feel even more compelled to leave. Becoming self-complacent is another example of how abandonment issues can be reflected in one’s behavior. Self-complacency is defined as "contented to a fault with oneself or one's actions." This is a very dangerous aspect of abandonment issues as it not only stunts the growth of a person but it convinces the individual that there is no problem at all. This is the exact opposite of taking the steps necessary of creating a mindset reflective of healing. Now this may sound strange but excessive breaking up can also be a sign that a person might be dealing with the fear of abandonment as it indicates that the individual might be leaving before they can get left. So before their fear can manifest, they leave the situation convincing themselves it is for the best. Another symptom of abandonment is low self-esteem which is pretty much self-explanatory. One who has the fear of abandonment often times harbors a subconscious resentment of self because they feel that they are somehow responsible for the abandonment that they go through. And last but not least is excessive reassurance where the sufferer will often ask to be constantly reassured of the security of the others love support and willingness to stay. It is important to note that all these responses are showcasing the innate fear the individual has of the other leaving, but these responses can actually have the opposite effect of the sufferer’s intention to try and keep the other in the relationship. It is also important to note, that these are just some of the ways abandonment issues can express themselves in behavior, and they can vary from person to person.

Now that you understand some of the symptoms of abandonment issues lets delve further into the ways that they can affect your life, both in public and private aspects of a relationship. All your life you will be forming many different and diverse aspects of relationships from professional, to personal, to social. All these relationships reflect upon the individuals who create them thus from them we impose an aspect of our-self onto them. If a person or the people in the relationship are damaged in some way and they do not make the effort to work through them, they will not be able to create healthy or successful relationships with anyone. Often times they might even attract others who are damaged as well, who would not be suitable to influence healing but will continue to encourage dysfunctional behavior. This is where we apply the saying, "birds of a feather flock together." People of like minds will always attract each other and if your mind is damaged you will not only attract others who are damaged but with them situations, lifestyles, and habits that are damaged as well. These situations can encourage and bring to the surface other psychological issues or problems, such as, anxiety, depression, and a host of other subsidiary disorders if left unchecked. All these different issues are but a reflection of that individual’s mindset. When we have a damaged mindset we create environments of that pain. Just like the body will send a signal to the brain when something internally is wrong the mind will attract and accept certain situation that will show you that pain inside yourself. We must become decoders of our lifestyles in order to understand the deepest parts of ourselves. So just as you would treat you physical ailment you must now treat your psychological one.

So, how do we now begin the process of healing after admitting that there is a problem? Well before we begin to heal in any way we must now, after diagnosing the problem, pinpoint the source. This is not always the case, but most of the time the origin of abandonment issues comes from childhood when a parent leaves the child physically and or emotionally, or adolescence during one’s first or most difficult break-up. Now the source can linger and the sufferer might not even fully understand the impact the situation had on them until much later in life, when another situation subconsciously triggers the behavior. There are normally about five stages of recovery from abandonment issues. These stages include but are not limited to...

The shattering, where one must understand that the dreams or ideals they held for that relationship will not come true. For example if the suffers mother left them as a child they will have to understand that they might not ever get to experience a loving mother child relationship.

Withdrawal - you’re in a painful state of love loss where you long for the one you loved to come back.

Internalization, where the person now tries to understand the reasons why the person left and the break up occurred.

Rage, when the person begins to hate or dislike there person who abandoned them and may harbor these feelings.

Lifting, which is when the person begins to come out of the darkness and understands that life will go on and they are no longer dealing with the direct emotional trauma of the abandonment.
In order to truthfully go through the healing process one must address oneself as a spiritual, physical and mental being. Spiritually there are many things you can do to align yourself. One of the most obvious is to go into the spiritual text that you hold to be sacred and find encouraging scriptures that will soothe your spirit as well as some form of meditation and prayer. One exercise that can be universal is this one: get someone who you love and trust and have this person ask you multiple questions about what you love specifically about yourself and how you are valuable. This exercise encourages one to focus on the positive things about self which is a very important part of healing. For someone who is open minded enough they may also try a few of these different spiritual exercises:

  • balancing your heart chakra through meditation and or yoga
  • surrounding yourself with healing colors like pink, green, and blue
  • deep breathing will also help to oxygenate the blood and balance the spirit
For the physical self we also have a few suggestions with exercise and diet
  • running and cardio
  • lifting weights
  • playing any sport
  • gardening
  • dancing
  • walking and pretty much anyway you can get up and active
  • foods high in omega 3 fatty acids (fish oils)
  • apple cider vinegar
  • b vitamin complex
  • brewers yeast
  • zinc
  • Valerian root
  • chamomile
  • hyssop
  • oats
  • peppermint
I also have available a host of links to websites that maybe able to help you further research ways to heal.

    • http://www.myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=7
    • http://www.abandonment.net/help.ctr.html
    • http://www.buzzle.com/articles/abandonment-issues.html
    • http://www.lifescript.com/soul/self/growth/understanding_fear_of_abandonment.aspx
    • http://www.onlinecounseling.org/abandonment_issues.htm
    • http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression-and-exercise/MH00043
    • http://www.anxietysecrets.com/nutrition-3.htm
    • http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/food_and_anxiety.html
    • http://www.livestrong.com/article/69862-abandonment-issues/
    • http://youtu.be/JTQbRROdKA0
    • http://www.beat-depression-naturally.com/abandonment-issues.html

Conversations With The Queen 09/12 by Poetic Energy Network Station | Blog Talk Radio

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